Wedding Dilemma #1 - Le Divorce (part une)

Welcome to the very first article in my new "Wedding Dilemma" series! This series will be highlighting the most-common questions I get asked by clients about wedding-related issues, whether they be connected to invitations or not. So *takes a deep breath* here goes!

Today I chose to focus on something that most of us don't like to think about, but sadly, often have to deal with: divorce. Or, more appropriately, divorced parents. (wow. nothing like starting off the new series on an upbeat note!). Divorced parents always bring up a ton of issues, such as whether or not to include new spouses' names on the invitation, and where everyone is going to sit. Quite frankly, breaking the space-time continuum seems an easier task (actually, being able to do this might be the only way everyone can have a great day at your wedding!)

Essentially, what it seems to boil down to is the relationship your divorced parents have with each other. Was it a fairly amicable split? Has everyone let bygones be bygones and moved on with their lives? If so, then happy planning! Most of the time, these are the parents that would be ok with things like their ex-spouse's new spouse's name being on the invitation; infact, they might even be surprised if its not. However, if there's one thing I learned from planning my own wedding, its that normally level-headed parents (*cough* mom) can rapidly morph into VERY "opinionated" people at the first sound of "daughter's/son's wedding". As such, its often best to tread lightly, and always ask for opinions from parents before officially deciding on particulars.

Now ... the invitation question. If you are set on having one or both sets of parents mentioned on the invite, the simplest wording you can do is:

Together with their parents,

or some variation thereof. This makes sure that people know the parents are involved/being honoured, yet easily skips over the messy bits of last names, new spouses, and who paid. This option tends to be the one that most people, when faced with the issue of divorced parents, fall back on (myself included). Its simple, to the point, and doesn't hurt anyone's feelings.

But what if this is not an option? What if you (or one of your parents, for that matter) have always had your heart set on your parent(s) names being noted on your wedding invitation? There are a couple of options (all dependent on what is most comfortable for your situation, of course):

1) Both parents listed, no one has remarried, mother has assumed maiden name: Believe it or not, this one is pretty simple to navigate -- simply list the parents individually. i.e.

Mr. Michael Zefferman and Ms. Stephanie Smith

Easy-peasy.

2) Both parents listed, mother has kept married name:

In this case you might be tempted to put "Mr. and Mrs. Michael and Stephanie Zefferman", but I would caution against it, if only because it might seem to others that they are still married/together in some way. At all else, list the mother as a Ms.; however, the better thing to do would be to note them seperately i.e:

Mr. Michael Zefferman and Ms. Stephanie Zefferman

No sense confusing everyone and giving your parents a "will they, won't they" sort of reputation at the wedding!

3) Both parents listed, one parent has remarried:

This is often the most emotionally-charged situation to work around, as there tends to be a fair bit of feelings involved (both on the parts of the parents and yourself/your fiance). Often a lot of soul-searching goes into this one ... how much do you really like your new step-parent? How much negativity does the "lone" parent feel towards the newly-remarried one & said new spouse? What are your feelings in regards to lone parent's feelings?

What you need to keep in mind while trying to figure this one out is that, whatever you decide, you are sending a strong statement to everyone who receives the invitation. Whether or not you choose to include the new spouse's name, for example, makes an important declaration to all invited about your feelings in regards to the situation. Really don't like your new step-mom? Then leave her name off! No one says you have to do anything you don't want to! Just know that yes, some people will notice, and yes, some people will speculate on what you "mean" by doing that. If you're somewhat ambivalent, its always best to err on the side of niceties and include the step-parent. Of course, your thoughts might be swayed depending on your unmarried parent's attitude towards this, so keep that in mind, too. However, in the end, it's your wedding ... do what you want!

If you do decide to put the new spouse's name on, it might look something like this:

daughter of

Mr. Michael Zefferman and Mr. & Mrs. Doug and Stephanie Reid

I always think its nicest to put the un-married parent's name first, as a kind of courtesy, but this part is really up to you and your relationship with your parents.

4) Only one parent hosting/contributed money:

Oooo .... another sticky one. Do you include the other parent's name on the invitation? What happens, for example, if your fiance's parents, as well as your mother, contributed some money towards your wedding, but your dad did not. What then?

Traditional protocol states that only those who are "hosting" the wedding should have their name on the invitation, but what if you don't want this? Perhaps your father was unable to help out due to his current financial sitation, and you don't think he should be "penalized" because of this.

I have to admit, I don't actually have any hard-and-fast rules for this one. Over all the other previous situations listed, this one really comes down to what you want, and what your personal situation is. It IS ok to leave the last parent's name off -- I often see this happen with clients when there is not a good relationship in the first place (ie. dad didn't help out because he's never helped out with anything else in the past, either).

On the other hand, if there is a great relationship in place, then it is usually ok to simply include the name on the invite, tradition be damned. Make sure you first check with the other parent(s) who have contributed money to verify that they are alright with this (I have yet to meet a parent so catty that they DEMAND their ex-spouse's name not be "allowed" on the invitation if their child really wants it to be ... of course, maybe I've just been lucky!)

Alright, I think I've covered the most-typical divorce situations one might come across while planning their wedding. I would be interested in hearing any feedback or suggestions about how you plan on handling your "circumstances", so please feel free to leave a comment. Who knows? Maybe you'll help another bride out!

Stay tuned for "Part Deux" of this dilemma in the near-future, where I plan on tackling the ceremony/reception side of things in regards to divorced parents.